People pleasing came naturally to me. In fact, I spent all my childhood, my 20s and a good chunk of my 30s saying yes to people and events when all I wanted to say was no. It was a sad cycle where I would commit to something from fear of disappointing the other party followed by anxiety leading up to the commitment. Eventually, I would overthink and analyze why on earth I said yes in the first place only to repeat the cycle again. This process went on for years until I finally learnt to say no without feeling guilty or ashamed. Today, I don’t think twice about setting healthy boundaries and it’s all because of one discovery: living a meaningful life. We can follow all the steps to establishing healthy boundaries, but if we don’t live a life that means something to us, then we will never be able to develop and maintain clear boundaries. In this week’s blog, I outline how I added meaning to my life so setting healthy boundaries and saying no became easier.
Step 1: Be brave
Our bodies should not be a permanent and comfortable home for our trauma. If that’s the case, then it’s time to come to terms with the pain and suffering. To move forth, it is essential to ask the hard questions in order to understand your behavior patterns.
The fears, turmoil, agonizing memories and PTSD have to be worked through before you can add any meaning to your life. This process doesn’t and won’t happen overnight, so take your time, but promise yourself this: you will at least begin the journey of facing the truth and healing.
Step 2: Identify
Recognize and outline your priorities without worrying about what anyone else might think. For me, Coco, my pup, is a top priority. I spend time with him by giving him the love and attention that he deserves as a member of my family. This hierarchy means that, on certain occasions, being with him takes precedence over other potential social invitations. To some, this preference may seem bizarre, but it’s about what matters to me and not them.
So, figure out your top 3-5 priorities and then spend some time analyzing your satisfaction towards the time and energy you give these priorities. If there is even the slightest dissatisfaction, then boundaries need to be implemented.
Step 3: Experiment
As you embark on this journey of defining boundaries, explore various pursuits and meet plenty of people who are not necessarily part of your circle. As you experiment with activities, take risks, and meet all sorts of people, you will discover what rocks your world.
It helps to put yourself out there and enjoy the process of discovery before you commit to anything. This step gives you options and alternatives for those people and events from which you wish to slowly step away.
Isolation is not an option, so without finding substitutes, you will lack the motivation and confidence to say no. Think of these experiences as Plan B until they become your concrete Plan A. Through this exercise, you figure out what and who matters to you and why.
Step 4: Face the music
When you first begin saying no to the people you’ve always said yes to, there will be consequences. Wavering and second guessing your response in these situations is not an option, because it will send the wrong message. As scary as it may seem, you have to hold your own. You will perspire, feel anxious, angry, or scared, lose sleep, cry and experience a myriad of other emotions, but stay the course.
Be ready for the backlash, because the narcissists in your life don’t like to hear no. They will drop you like a hot potato before you’ve even realized what is happening. The better prepared you are to deal with the worst-case scenario, the quicker you will rebound from the incident.
Step 5: Accept the emotions
Initially, you might experience guilt, shame or hurt as you learn to set healthy boundaries. Instead of ignoring or numbing these emotions, process them. Accept, acknowledge, and understand them to break the cycle. Grasp why there is any negative emotion associated with drawing boundaries, but also pay attention to the positive emotions.
When I first started setting boundaries, I often felt guilty; however, along with the guilt, I also encountered a deep sense of relief. I felt free, light, and less stressed. I held on to those positive emotions and recalled them every time I got uncomfortable establishing boundaries. Eventually, the positive emotions superseded the negative ones enough to serve as a strong motivator and purpose.
Step 6: Be clear
Have a clear answer to why you wish to set boundaries in the first place, so you can explicitly articulate your needs. Or else, it will be too easy to apologize for your needs.
You can say what you have to say confidently only if you comprehend it and are on board with it. Get your buy in first; it’s the only one that matters.
Be succinct and direct. In some situations when I felt dismissed, I’ve maintained fierce eye contact and a stern voice. Sometimes, that does the trick, because yelling certainly does not, which I’ve also succumbed to on my not-so-good days.
Step 7: Keep learning
It takes non-stop practice to set healthy boundaries. It is easy to give in sometimes only to realize that was not actually what you wanted.
Learn from all the times you successfully establish your boundaries. Celebrate, be proud of yourself, and figure out what went well and what did not. Every personality is different, so learn as you go. You don’t need to bend to anyone’s will, but evaluating the interactions will help you define boundaries easily over time.
Step 8: Be kind to yourself
As a recovering people pleaser, I still have moments when I slip and say yes when I want to say no. Or I give into peer pressure. In those instances, I try to willingly not be hard on myself. I attempt to understand what happened and why I caved so as not to repeat the cycle. I’ve realized that is a more productive approach than berating myself.
We are way too impatient with ourselves, so approach this change as a journey. There will be blips and bumps, but it’ll lead you to better mental and overall health.
Setting boundaries doesn’t come easily to many of us, especially if there is a strong desire to belong and feel loved. Regardless, true belonging and loving comes from a place of space, understanding and respect. It’s never too late to practice healthy ways to love ourselves.
As always, I am here to support you all the way. I love hearing from you, so if your heart desires, drop me a line or more. It will be an honor to read your story, thoughts, and feedback.
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My guide to overcome stress available here: https://fierce-originator-1156.ck.page
Check out this week’s wellness video content on YouTube: How to Build a Healthy Habit
All the best,
Chaitni