Recently, my family went on a short vacation to Benares, a city in northern India, and brought back some local delicacies. One of the items they returned with was a stack of potato papad, which is a thin Indian wafer eaten fried or roasted. As I relished the papad, I had a sneaky suspicion that I’d tried it before, but that seemed impossible. I’ve never visited Benares, and I couldn’t remember ever tasting anything from there either. Regardless, the next day it occurred to me like a bolt of lightning: My father used to travel to Benares for work, and he would always return with those papads and another Benares specialty, stuffed red chili pickle. In my childhood, I loved both items and enthusiastically looked forward to them along with my father’s return. This specific recollection took me by surprise, because I hadn’t thought of it in years to the point where I’d almost forgotten about it. It was then that I realized how easy it is to remember and hold on to negative memories over the positive ones. In this week’s blog, I share how to cherish and intentionally make room for nostalgia than mindlessly reliving the painful past.
Once I recalled the sweet childhood memory around my father, Benares, papads, and pickles, I examined how biased I can be with my memories. I don’t think twice when remembering the unpleasant memories, in fact, it’s the most straightforward path my mind chooses. I wondered why and understood that it’s the path of least resistance. Choosing happiness and positivity take effort and intention. Unless I actively seek these memories, I will default to the ones that left me hurt.
As an experiment, I thought back to one of my most painful experiences in life: the time after my divorce. The few years after the transition were brutal in innumerable ways. When I recalled that time, I immediately thought of how everything felt like a struggle. I remembered the days when I literally picked myself off the floor to keep going. I felt lost and left to my own devices to face the big, bad world. It didn’t take much for my mind to reflect on those days and brood over them. It was too damn easy to focus on them than it was to recollect the opportunities and people from that time that helped me heal and feel whole again.
I challenged myself to actively think of the positive memories from those tough days. I thought of family and friends that rallied around me and graciously opened their arms and homes to me and Coco. I thought of all the people that picked me up when I crumbled and listened to me when everything felt hopeless. I thought of the confidence my boss and peers had in me when entrusted with increased responsibilities and a major portfolio of hotels. The more I thought, the more I learnt that I let all this goodness slip.
No matter how dark and painful a past, it is surrounded by glimmers of hope and brightness. Grieving is expected and welcomed, but not without some happier sentiments.
I also recognized that the childhood memory I mentioned earlier would have remained buried had I not quieted my mind and heart. It only emerged while I was sipping my morning tea after my usual round of meditation and prayers. It was in the silence that the nostalgia resurfaced. Only pieces of our past emerge when surrounded by noise; it’s in the moments of solitude that the whole picture appears. Sometimes, unresolved trauma also makes an appearance during those moments, but that’s the pain seeking an outlet.
Contemplation during my morning tea is the perfect time for me to reconnect and realign with myself. For a short while, before the madness of the day kicks in, I am alone with my free-flowing thoughts. On the contrary, when I sit there forcing myself to think of the good old times, it feels like finding a needle in a haystack. I’ve accepted that the positive memories surface naturally when there is a genuine desire to relive them.
As I went back in time, I thought how primarily focusing on the negative memories leaves me imbalanced mentally and emotionally. The cynicism and bitterness of those moments doesn’t result in buoyancy in my demeanor or attitude. In fact, I’m left feeling heavy, burdened, and scorned. As a result, I am patiently teaching myself to strive for balance by recalling a few good moments along with the ones that scarred me. It is through this balance that I can regain my guiding light and perspective of myself and the world around me.
I’ve made a promise to myself after this incident that for every difficult memory I recollect, I will at least try to remember a positive one. If I can’t come up with one immediately, then I will set the intention and hope that the good memory returns in due time to remind me that life is an equal mix of good and bad parts. If you wish, join me on this path. Together, we can work towards this promise and reap the benefits of the happy memories again and again.
As always, I am here to support you all the way, my brave soul. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
My guide to creating your vision available here: https://fierce-originator-1156.ck.page/fb87324085
All the best,
Chaitni