I have no children, but I’m surrounded by people who do. My constant thought when I see parents, whether they are friends, family, or strangers, is how do they live the most difficult role of their lives. I am always in awe of the smorgasbord of emotions they experience, sometimes in a matter of seconds. In this week’s blog, I share a lesson I’ve learnt in observing parenthood of a different social stratum with more empathy and less judgment. In my humble way, this is an ode to all parents and, in case somebody hasn’t told you recently, I’m reminding you that you’re doing the best you can.
Allow me to share some background about where this week’s story begins. Many Indian households hire domestic help for various reasons. Frankly, these are the people who are the glue to the smooth operations of a home. My family and I are no different. One such chore that is outsourced here is doing the dishes.
At my place, there is a young lady who comes home twice a day to clean, dry, and stack the dishes. In case you’re wondering, dishwashers are extremely uncommon here. This lady’s husband is the security guard for our building, and the building committee/HOA has provided them with staff quarters in the building itself. The couple has a young daughter who is about 2 years old. She’s a sweet and gentle child who is adorably learning to speak in full sentences.
For a year since I moved into this home, I’ve noticed that the daughter spends majority of her time on a phone watching Instagram or YouTube. The phone belongs to one of the parents and whichever parent is with her at any given time is doing the same activity. The little girl is addicted to social media and the phone. Often, she ends up accidentally dialing her mother’s employers, because she has mistakenly touched an icon here or there. She also likes to show the residents videos of herself dancing, which the parents have recorded.
Until recently, every single time I saw her on the phone, I would cringe. I literally wanted to snatch the phone and throw it in the nearest gutter, because I don’t think a 2-year-old should be on the phone majority of the day. To an extent, she’s emulating her parents doing the same, but the phone has also turned into a pacifier of sorts. She’s been exposed to junk food and tea at an early age, so she’s extremely fond of both. If the parents ever deny her chips, cookies, the phone or tea, she’ll throw a temper tantrum until they give in. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve certainly judged the parents. In my head, I reconciled that the money spent on junk food can easily be spent on fruit. Or the money spent on data for the phone can be spent on toys to limit screen time.
I’m not sure if you judged the parents like I did, but I finally realized that it was not my place to do so. While I’m not a parent to a human child (my dog is my child), I also have no right to criticize when I’m not offering any additional help or viable solutions. I’m not providing any resources to the family in the form of daycare, education, or financial support. Without a doubt, I am kind to the little girl; I talk to her; and as a family, we give her goodies on holidays or whenever she accompanies her mom to work. Nevertheless, none of that grants me permission to critique their parenting style. Instead, it would be more beneficial to change my approach, and begin by giving the child an educational toy, fruit, or healthier snacks. I cannot expect change when I’m not willing to contribute to it first.
I now realize that the parents are doing the best they can given their background, financial means, and work schedules. They work seven days a week and take off a couple of days a month. The child is isolated from others her age, so she has no friends to play with. The husband and wife are migrant workers, which means that they send a good chunk of their pay to their families back home. Essentially, the man and wife are two working parents with a toddler. The concept of day care doesn’t exist for them. They work hard to send money back to their villages, support their tiny family here, and keep their baby girl happy. For them, sending their kid to day care is a frivolous expense.
It may be easy to say that they don’t know any better, but my argument to that is does any parent? There are no handbooks for parents or children. It’s a delicate dance of expectations, boundaries, complex emotions, and love.
It was careless and harsh of me to judge these two individuals. As I sat on my high horse, I forgot that they are doing the best they can given their circumstances. Armed with a different perspective, I notice how hard the parents work to provide for their child. They are extremely patient with her even after the tiring work that they do. The mother is a superstar who juggles work, her household duties, and her baby. I see clearly now what I missed earlier, which is the couple creating a loving and safe environment for their daughter. So, the least I can do with my privilege and knowledge is to contribute to that environment in a positive way.
If you are a parent, then you know that you’ll be evaluated for your skills no matter what. You can do everything right and still feel like you haven’t done enough, but I’m here to tell you to keep doing you. When you take up space as a parent without shame or guilt, you gift your children the invaluable lesson of doing the same.
As always, I am here to support you all the way, my brave soul. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
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All the best,
Chaitni