A couple of weeks ago, my dear friend had an experience and reaction that felt all too familiar; however, what felt unfamiliar was the assessment of it. Although it was tempting for her to brood as well as feel shame and frustration, she didn’t. In this week’s blog, I share the incident and how she was able to walk away from it hopeful instead of ashamed. The reason I share this anecdote is because for many of us stepping outside our comfort zone is deeply challenging. When we finally muster the courage to do and it doesn’t go according to plan, we feel conflicted and dejected. Hopefully, my friend’s story reminds you that it doesn’t always have to be the case. We can control the narrative without completely losing the plot.
Let me first share the background of this instance. My close friend is looking to expand her business. In order to protect her identity, I’ll refer to her as HM throughout the blog.
For her project to take off, HM needs funding. She’s been searching for investors for a while but hasn’t had any luck. A close well-wisher put HM in touch with the financial advisor of a potential investor. This investor is a bigwig and has backed projects on various scales and within different industries; therefore, it was not completely out of the realm of possibilities for him to invest in HM’s venture.
HM hasn’t dealt with such large-scale investors, but she was willing to get out of her comfort zone. She called the financial advisor per the investor’s instructions as the former would determine the financial involvement in HM’s business. Lo and behold, the call lasted less than three minutes. She introduced herself, mentioned the mutual contacts, and then, upon the advisor’s request, began sharing an overview of her project. She was two lines into it, when the advisor interrupted her. He explained that as a rule of thumb, their company does not provide funds for projects within such industries. He rattled a list of the types of businesses on the no-list. HM understood, apologized for being unaware of this prerequisite, and thanked him for his time.
I was with her during the entire conversation. When both parties hung up, it felt like a balloon had deflated on our end. HM was clearly annoyed and upset. Firstly, she didn’t understand why she was even asked to make this phone call when the investor wasn’t interested in her line of business. Secondly, why didn’t the guy at least let her finish before abruptly interrupting her. Thirdly, she felt so small and disregarded by this advisor after the conversation and she didn’t want to feel that way.
I asked her to indulge me in an exercise that I often fall back on when I’m trying to get to the root of my emotions. It’s the “why” exercise that I learnt in my Precision Nutrition training to become a holistic nutritionist. It works by asking yourself why until you get to the bottom of what you’re feeling.
My first question to her was why she was feeling so belittled and worthless after being turned down for the project. Her immediate answer was that it was so rude of the guy to brush her off so quickly. Why? Because it made her feel like he was important, and she wasn’t. Why? Because HM is so passionate about what she’s doing that she wanted to be seen and heard. Why? Because that’s how you know you matter. Aha!
The last answer was a revelation for her. She had taken the entire episode personally. Her worth was so heavily tied to the interaction that she was only seeing herself through those biased eyes. When the awareness set, she was less affected. She realized that the conversation did not dilute or add to her worth. In fact, what mattered more was taking a chance and reaching out to the advisor. She followed through on her commitment and gave it a shot. When she saw the situation through this lens, she also recognized that she’d been strong enough to hold her own during the conversation. She was confident in her venture and wasn’t giving up. HM also learnt a valuable lesson: to do her due diligence when contacting investors to ensure they’re interested in her line of work. As we debriefed, she was in a better place feeling grounded, confident, and clear-headed again. Her conversation today was merely a stopover in her pursuit of fulfilling her dream.
HM isn’t the only one who has experienced such a situation. Whether it’s a job opportunity that falls through, an interview that doesn’t go as expected, a relationship that ends poorly or anything else of importance that doesn’t go as planned can leave us feeling down. If our self-worth is lacking in these situations, the immediate response is always frustration, disappointment, and self-blame. When those or any other negative emotions arise, zoom out for a moment. Set the judgment aside and get curious. Ask yourself why you really feel this way. Then, pay attention to the lesson that can be learnt from the incident, because there’s always one. Follow it up by asking yourself if anything can be done differently next time. Most importantly, remember that it’s NOT personal. The other person is just doing what seems right to them. How it lands with you is on you, not them. That is why self-worth tied to results is detrimental, but when it is tied to aligned effort, consistency, and progress, it is rock solid.
As always, I am here to support you all the way. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
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All the best,
Chaitni