Last week, I went on a trip with a one-day layover in Bombay (now known as Mumbai). It’s the city where I was born and spent my early childhood years. It’s also the city of my first marriage. I’ve since divorced and remarried. Of all the hotels in the city of dreams, my now husband inadvertently booked the one-night stay at the same hotel where I’d gotten married almost 20 years ago. I only found out a day prior as he’d planned the trip as a surprise. You can imagine the mix of emotions I felt. They ranged from disbelief to amusement and everything in between. In this week’s blog, I share how I’ve gotten to the point where I am no longer triggered by this phase of my past. For many years, the divorce and its aftermath dictated my feelings, thoughts, and actions. The reason I discuss this story is to remind you that if you’re not in a good place today – mentally or physically – it’s not permanent. No matter what you’re going through, it’s not your forever.
When my first marriage ended in divorce, it left me completely devastated and lost. I experienced insurmountable shame and guilt, and it is still one of the most traumatic periods of my life. It took me years thereafter to find myself. Honestly, a visit to the hotel in Bombay a few years ago would have been a massive trigger for me.
Fast forward to last week. Although I hadn’t been to that hotel in almost 20 years, the moment I stepped into the lobby, I recalled the events that unfolded there all those years ago. I recollected being a silent spectator at the meeting between my cousin, a negotiator par excellence, and the hotel’s head of catering. Too afraid to mess up their dialogue, I stayed quiet and observed keenly while we sat in the hotel’s coffee shop. I remembered standing by one of the other entrances, dressed to the nines in my wedding outfit, waiting to greet the groom and his family. I recalled feeling nervous, confused, and scared that day. All of those emotions were far more intense than the joy and excitement I also felt. I remembered the bridal room, which was one of the guest rooms, where I got dressed surrounded by my favorite cousins. I remembered the hilarious last-minute bathroom run in my wedding dress, because I was feeling so stressed and anxious. That whole day played out like a movie in my head. In the end, I walked away with a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart.
When I pictured that version of me, all I wanted was to hug her. I wanted her to know that she was allowed to feel. She didn’t need to bury her thoughts, especially amidst the intense family turmoil occurring at that time. I wanted to tell her that no matter what, she would have more answers than questions one day. I wanted to warn her that, two decades later, only a handful of the family and friends present would remain in her life. Some would pass, and some would choose sides. She would also make choices, not all good, and relationships would fall apart only to make her whole again. Bonds would be tested; she would be tested. She wouldn’t make it unscathed, but she would find herself.
My experience this time at the hotel was nothing short of perfect. I was the happiest version of myself as I looked from the outside in with love. My heart didn’t hurt anymore. In fact, it felt like my heart had expanded.
My healing associated with the first marriage and divorce felt complete. I handled the stay at the hotel with grace and joy. I was granted a second chance to be present and savor this precious time with one of the most incredible beings in my life. I felt deeply compassionate towards myself and all the people who had been at the wedding, including the ones who are no longer a part of my life. I thought of them fondly, which replaced the previously felt shame, remorse, and anger towards them.
For too long, I felt responsible for hurting people close to me because of the decision to divorce, but not anymore, because gratitude overcame guilt. I am thankful for this piece of my past, because it was the beginning of my healing. Sometimes, the choice to heal only comes after a devastating rupture, and I’ve accepted that. Those difficult years taught me how to be better for myself and others. They gave me Coco, the love of my life. They taught me resilience and acceptance. Most importantly, they taught me that a broken heart can mend for it can learn to love, trust, and experience joy again.
My world today has shrunk. I am surrounded by my family, a few close friends, worthy clients, and the passion I have for my work. The stage has changed; the characters have changed; and the act has changed, but I remain constant.
No matter what your struggles are today, there will come a day when you’ll find yourself again. It won’t happen on your timeline, but it will happen. In the meantime, hold on to yourself and fight for yourself, because you deserve the best.
As always, I am here to support you all the way. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
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All the best,
Chaitni