As I age, so do the people and pets around me, especially my parents and Coco, my senior dog. Their ageing was the primary reason for my relocation to India a couple of years ago. That said, I understand that not everyone is in my shoes where they can and want to up and leave to be closer to their families. In fact, I’m not always happy about where I live, but I am always thankful for the proximity to my family. In this week’s blog, I share my emotions as I witness my parents, pet, parent-like figures, and other elderly loved ones grow old. It is totally acceptable and normal to experience a range of feelings for this natural but frightening process of life. Maybe somewhere, you will relate to what I share and know that although it is hard, we can get through it.
Fear is the topmost emotion I experience as I watch my parents and Coco age. It’s the fear of losing them or watching them suffer through an illness. It’s the fear of knowing that nobody lives forever and the uncertainty of not knowing how to live without them.
For example, my mom and I talk twice daily to catch up and check in with each other. Nevertheless, if either of my parents calls me at any time outside of that typical call schedule, I immediately worry. My first thought is that they have some bad news to share pertaining to their or other aged family members’ health.
I don’t recall living with such worrisome thoughts when I was in college. Back then, my mother had the hardest time as an empty nester. Often, when she’d call to catch up, I’d tell myself that I’ll call her later, because a project, sleep, or work took precedence. Today, that thought pattern has changed. When she calls, I answer. If I absolutely cannot answer the phone, I try to return her call as soon as possible or I send her a quick text letting her know that I’ll call her back in a few.
Years ago, when my depression was at its worst, I would isolate and avoid my parents’ phone calls, because I didn’t want them to know how hopeless I felt. I would return their call when I felt better or could at least fake a cheery conversation. I’m aware that my parents worried constantly about me, especially since I’m an only child, and I lived miles away from them.
Now, the tables have turned. When they don’t answer, I instantly worry. After a moment or two, I calm myself down to stop imagining and thinking the worst. I tenderly reprimand them like they did with me about returning calls and letting me know that they are fine. The lines have blurred on the parent- child relationship.
Another emotion that I feel is guilt. Since I moved in with my husband, it’s been harder for me to get home. I had delusions of grandeur before marriage, where I thought that I’d spend lunch with my parents and dinner with my in-laws. Truth be told, I’m happy if I can get away to my parents’ place for a day weekly.
Regardless, I am trying harder to focus on a solution to my situation and less on the guilt I experience. If I want to stop the guilt, then I need to do something about it. Whether that’s a quick message to my folks, a phone call, or even dropping by unannounced. It’s not humanly possible for me to be in all places at once, so all I can do is what feels right to me given my circumstances. The more I make them a priority, the more time I spend with them, which is why I actively think of what I can do for them instead of what I can’t do for them.
If I’m being completely truthful, then I must admit that another sentiment right up there with fear is frustration. Sometimes, my parents are not as quick to understand what I’m explaining, or they are experts at avoiding doctors and sound medical advice. In those moments, I grit my teeth and ask the universe to grant me unlimited patience.
What irks me the most is when they blatantly ignore my advice as a health coach, but actively follow the same advice (from a questionable source) on Instagram or a WhatsApp video that’s been forwarded a million times. I am certain that they feel just as vexed when I ignore their advice and choose to listen to an outsider, a contemporary, a friend, or a self-help book.
In these moments, I remember all the times that they stood by me and let me make my own decisions even when they anticipated an unfavorable outcome. They have come a long way as parents, so I can at least try to meet them halfway at their vulnerable age.
I also feel sadness when I notice my parents slowing down or struggling with tasks that were a breeze only ten years ago. They get tired and injured more easily, and watching this regression is heartbreaking. During those times, I remember that they are still alive and attempting; they haven’t given up yet, so I can be sad, but it’s also important for me to appreciate their tenacity. For example, my mother is learning to swim at 69, ad my father is advancing his spiritual practice through his travels. I know that as long as they are trying, their spirit and soul will remain intact.
If you’ve been reading my blogs, then you know that I not only have senior parents, but I also have a senior dog who is the absolute love of my life. My immediate inner circle is small, and I am not ready to let any of them go. We spent too many years as a dysfunctional unit, and emotionally and physically distant. I don’t want to lose out on the time I have now. I may never be ready, or maybe I will be when it’s time to be. Either way, through every single one of the difficult emotions I expressed earlier – fear, guilt, frustration, and sadness – I urge myself to focus on the present.
When I am with them, I set aside my phone. I prioritize being present and listening to everything they have to say, so I can hold on to these stories and anecdotes forever. Most importantly, I do my best to be patient and loving. I don’t always succeed, but I don’t stop trying. I hug them a little longer and more often; I seek and value their counsel more; and I appreciate them all the more. As a family, we are still learning to say, “I love you” freely, but we’re working on it!
Whether you are dealing with ageing parents, pets, grandparents, or anyone else, remember you have two choices. One of them is to feel sad, scared, and worried for these loved ones, and the other is to feel thankful, present, and patient. Some days, you’ll choose the former, some days you’ll choose the latter, and on other days, it’ll be a mix bag. No matter where the day lands for you, my wish for you is to accept it, take it all in, and know that it’s not possible to control the end, but it is possible to make the most of the time between now and then.
As always, I am here to support you all the way, my brave soul. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
My guide to creating your vision available here: https://fierce-originator-1156.ck.page/fb87324085
All the best,
Chaitni