There was a time when changing my mind on any decision meant reneging on a commitment, which was an unacceptable course of action and a direct assault on my character. The emotions were that extreme, because my entire identify was based on being accommodating and making things convenient for others even if it meant overextending myself. I’ve slowly worked on changing that mindset and behavior. Although there are moments when I regress, I’ve accepted that’s how change and healing work. In this week’s blog, I share a recent anecdote when changing my mind didn’t feel so torturous and how it was a result of learning to say no.
I’m always looking to grow as an individual and as a health coach. Because I love what I do, I’m passionate and excited about the certifications I pursue, the books I read, or the myriads of other ways I choose to sharpen and expand my skills. In that spirit, I signed up for an in-person 200-hour yoga certification course, which was to begin this past weekend. I thought about it long and hard, did tons of research as is my personality, talked it over with my family and then went ahead with my decision. To reserve my spot, I paid a deposit upfront and then waited for the start date. Even then, there was a part of me that wasn’t on board, but I ignored it (big mistake) and went ahead with my plan.
As the start date grew closer, I again mulled over my decision and reconsidered it. In fact, I finally chose to be upfront with myself and admitted that I didn’t want to become a certified yoga instructor at this point. I realized that the certification was not in alignment with my personal or professional goals. Classes hadn’t even begun, and I was already dreading attending them.
I wish I’d realized this from the get-go, but hindsight is 20/20. I don’t usually make decisions or change my mind lightly, but this was a major time, energy, and monetary commitment that only had a small part of me on board. So, I decided that I did not want to pursue the certification.
Unlike the past, this time there were no agonizing conversations in my head filled with negative self-talk and shame. It was a decision I made over the span of two days, and once I was certain, it was like a weight had lifted off my shoulders.
Previously, I was so afraid to change my mind, because I feared the ramifications. I also had minimal confidence in myself and worried about what others would think of me. Shedding those barriers has made it more acceptable to deviate from a decision and fully accept the consequences of it. In this case, I was prepared to lose my deposit, because of my last-minute change in plans. I was ready to have the conversations with my family, and I was willing to learn my lessons, so this behavior didn’t become a pattern down the road. I didn’t dwell on it but recognized that I needed to be more careful in the future and respect my intuition.
The single most impactful tool that has gotten me to this place is learning to say no. It has morphed me into the person I am today.
Where I come from, the patriarchal culture does a phenomenal job of making a woman’s life tiresome and overwhelming. We are taught that saying no equates to disappointment and disrespect. Above all, we are glorified for taking care of others at the cost of our own mental and physical health.
I have seen this mindset play out with most of the women in my generation, including the ones in my inner circle. It’s just as prevalent in the less privileged communities within the Indian culture. It’s the generational trauma that’s been passed on from grandmothers to mothers to daughters and their daughters with each generation holding on to it a little less. I inherited the same burden until I questioned it and refused to carry it forward.
For that reason, I am a broken record when I tell my mother to do less for us and more for herself. It’s been decades and counting, and I am still amazed at how little she does for herself. I believe that part of the continuation is the validation that she, and other women, get from doing so much to the point of exhaustion. That validation is seductive and alluring. Additionally, the guilt and shame are so deeply associated with saying no, that it’s safer to just say yes. The grind to keep on doing, to keep on enabling, and to keep on crumbling under all of it continues.
Comments revolving around how women are the glue that keep families’ together, and how women are so good at multi-tasking and doing it all are lies that further confine and define women’s roles. Heck, it’s such a honeytrap that sometimes I’ve gotten sucked into it as well, so I can prove myself as a worthy daughter, wife, daughter-in-law and the abundant of other roles I play as a female.
My mother and women of her generation often think that it’s too late to change, but that’s another fallacy that’s been passed down. The truth is that the old ways, no matter how unfair and hurtful, are comfortable, so change is only possible if and when one seeks it.
If you want, you can give yourself permission to change your mind about your career, marriage, familial and social relationships, and so much more. It doesn’t make you a flake if you’re ready to own the decision, do your best, let go of your ego, face the consequences, and learn from your mistakes. You will find people in your corner, or you won’t, but, as long as you are in your corner, you’ll be fine. Allowing yourself to do what’s best for you is closely linked to setting boundaries that are best for you.
Regardless of gender, when there is disparity in expectations and responsibilities, self-care takes a backseat. I’m referring to the kind of self-care where you have boundaries that are respected, where awareness replaces behaviors on autopilot, where you audaciously show up for your dreams and goals, and where you discover your authentic self to live a life that reflects it.
As always, I am here to support you all the way, my brave soul. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
My guide to creating your vision available here: https://fierce-originator-1156.ck.page/fb87324085
All the best,
Chaitni