I used to let my failures define me. I almost carried them like armor shielding myself from vulnerabilities, challenges, and commitments. Then, one day, I finally saw that my so-called failures were lessons for my ego and mental stamina. I had the choice to be thankful for them, learn from them, and move on or turn them into imaginary obstacles. It took me a while to reach a point where failures felt like feedback. In this week’s blog, I share how I learnt to accept my failures as practical teachings in conducting myself and my life.
When I was in fifth grade, my mother and I relocated to India. I’d spent two years in grade school in New York, and I was finally getting to go back to a place I considered home back then. I was elated and relieved, but those emotions were short lived.
The schooling system in Bombay (now Mumbai), and most of India is complex and tiresome. My admission process was arduous, and I had limited choice of schools, because we returned too close to the beginning of the school year. Finally, after pulling some strings, I was accepted to a school a stone’s throw from my home; however, there was a catch.
Sadly, I was held back and made to repeat 5th grade, because the principal at that time made senseless assumptions. She felt I was unable to keep up with my peers in Math, Science, and the state language, Marathi. Granted, I was completely new to Marathi, but I had no issues with Math or Science. In fact, I was a bright and eager student who would’ve worked hard and excelled no matter what. Unfortunately, the principal didn’t share my perspective.
She insisted that if I enrolled in 6th grade, I would fail, because American academics were not at par with Indian academics. I have no clue how she deduced this information from a 10-minute conversation with me. She looked me in the eye and asked me if I wished to fail. Well, I did not, so I reluctantly agreed to redo 5th grade. Part of me also felt pushed into a corner, because my only options were to repeat 5th grade or miss out on my education until the next enrollment period due to the zero school options. My mother fought hard for me, but, eventually, she relented as well. I repeated 5th grade, but I had one of the highest scores in Math, Science, and Marathi that year.
I can’t begin to tell you what this episode did to my self-esteem. It was the monkey on my back that I willingly carried for years. I always felt less than my peers, thinking I was not as intelligent or capable as them. It was dreadful when anyone inquired about my age and grade because I knew, at some point, I’d have to explain why my age and grade did not align. The exchange always left me feeling embarrassed and nervous.
For a long time, I beat myself up thinking why my younger self didn’t stand up to this bully of an educator. I imagined scenarios where I would’ve been brave enough to show her my year-end report card, which reflected my hard work and perseverance. I chased the need to complete this feeling of incompletion in me. I put undue pressure on myself where I graduated college in three years. All I did in those three sleep deprived years was study, work, and attend class. I rarely hung out with friends; I didn’t study abroad, which turned into another regret; and I didn’t get to take the one elective that I absolutely wanted to take since the first year. All of these disappointments piled up, because I was trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t a failure.
Finally, in my 30s, I recognized my folly and accepted that I was not a failure. Big deal if 5th grade happened twice for me. That instance was not my burden to carry. I was not responsible for the decision of the adults in my life at that time. On the contrary, I had done everything in my power to fiercely live up to every expectation. So, what helped me change my mind?
First, I had to acknowledge and understand all of me. The parts that I liked, and the parts that I was ashamed of. Therapy helped. Introspection helped even more. I realized that my worth did not depend on one childhood incident. My worth lay in what I was doing today to get where I wished to be tomorrow.
Second, in order to let go of this notion that I failed, I started to surround myself with positivity and inspiration. I filled my life with what brought me joy. I nurtured important relationships and opened my heart to discovering new ones. I developed habits that enhanced my life, such as meditating. I experimented and pursued my interests, such as learning to knit and swim at 32 years of age. All of this filled me with inexplicable exhilaration. I was making room for better experiences and people, and that was only possible by saying good-bye to shame.
Third, I had to forgive myself by reframing my thoughts. I was 10 years old, and I was going through my own trauma. I was deflated, lonely, and depressed. I was a child in survival mode. Today, I’m proud that I didn’t quit or give up; in fact, I fought hard and gave the circumstances my best shot.
Fourth, I appreciated how tough that incident made me. It also taught me to face instances in my life that society deemed as failures. I understood that every single time I felt like a failure, I was measuring myself by society’s yardstick. Whether it was a marriage that didn’t work out; a career change at 37; not being a mother and having no desire to be one; and much more. These perceived failures were my choices that taught me and shaped me into a better version of myself.
Fifth, I learnt to take responsibility for my actions. Today, when things don’t go according to plan, I don’t automatically beat myself up. I stop and evaluate what I could have done differently. I look for solutions instead of excuses. This shift in mindset has helped me deal with failure on a positive level.
Lastly, I had to stop being so small and thinking one incident could define me. No matter what sort of failure I face, I am aware that I am much bigger than that one event. I stopped shrinking my presence by pretending to be someone else. Today, I know that I’m not done yet. Failures in my past, present or future cannot define me. A time for definitions will come when I’ve made it to another realm, but while I’m kicking and breathing, I get to stand up taller than the failures.
Allowing your failures to feed self-pity and diminishing self-love will leave you bereft. If your failures limit your potential, then I hope you give yourself a second chance. You deserve it 😊
As always, I am here to support you all the way, my brave soul. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
My guide to creating your vision available here: https://fierce-originator-1156.ck.page/fb87324085
Check out this week’s wellness video content on YouTube: How to Regain Mental Clarity
All the best,
Chaitni