February was hard. It tested me on repeat. I had days where my mind raced, and my heart ached. I had moments where I questioned myself and my decisions. I had times where I lost all clarity and direction only to feel scared and overwhelmed. Thankfully, I made it to the other side whole and only slightly scathed. In this week’s blog, I share how I got through February, and how it’s kept me afloat so far this month. If you’re in a similar boat where you feel challenged and whiplashed, then take hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel even if the tunnel seems long, dark, and scary.
My eventful month began with my parents’ and in-laws’ health. Both sets of parents are ageing, and, no exaggeration, every few days one of them was afflicted by some illness or another. Their suffering and slow recovery left me fearful, exhausted, and sad. Thankfully, they are all in good health now, but there is already a part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop.
While dealing with the sicknesses, there was a milestone birthday in the family that did not go as planned. It was memorable for all the wrong reasons leaving me guilt ridden and disappointed.
Mid-month, I had an identity crisis of sorts as a health coach. I felt stagnant and unclear on which direction to take, how to move forward, and whom to turn for guidance. I felt guilty for not giving more time to the family business, but I also realized how much I would resent my family if I didn’t give my passion and career everything I’ve got. I understand now that a trigger to this was an unsuccessful program that I launched in February. For now, even though I don’t have a crystal-clear vision, I’m not grasping at straws anymore. Life is about taking calculated risks where some pay off and some don’t.
After all this, the month ended with a bang: our cook at home stopped coming to work. Yes, I’m privileged to have that sort of help at home, but many of us are fortunate in our own ways. Regardless, this individual has been with my husband and his family for almost two decades. At this point, she’s more family than employee, but that still doesn’t take the sting out of the fact that she ghosted me.
Due to some misunderstanding, she chose to vanish into thin air without any word or notice. She didn’t answer any of my calls, so I had no idea if and when she was returning. Later, I discovered that she is known to disappear every now and then, but this was the first time I witnessed it.
With my in-laws traveling, I didn’t know how I was going to manage my work, the restaurant, responsibilities at home, and other commitments. I was also dealing with a broken water heater that needed repair, and I had car trouble. Additionally, I was taxing myself physically slightly more than usual. In anticipation of an upcoming trip in March that involves hours of walking, I added a 30-minute walk to my daily routine in February.
I’m sure that I’m forgetting other debacles through the month, but in short, February felt like a complete shit show. As the disasters piled up, I took some time to wallow and whine, but after a short time, I put into motion the most important lesson I’ve learnt, which is to surrender.
Through my own ups and downs and observations of those most resilient around me, I’ve recognized that the less I fight what I cannot change, the easier it gets to deal with what I can change. So, I accepted that I needed to come up with a plan to address the confusion with my business. I didn’t need to be hasty in my decisions, because those would come from a place of desperation instead of foresight. I accepted that not every endeavor of mine will give me the intended results, but I could look back and learn how to do it differently the next time I put out a similar program.
I accepted that I’d be the one cooking. I hadn’t cooked multiple meals since my move to India; however, I’d fed myself well for years, and this time, I had to feed myself and my husband, which was completely doable. I had fun and tried new recipes that my mother and MIL shared with me. I thanked my younger self for learning to cook Indian food, including parathas (Indian bread), which all came in handy.
I even asked for help and mental support. Old me would have felt the need to do it all on my own, but when my mother offered to send me a few meals on days when my schedule was jam packed, I willingly accepted her offer. When she stopped by with fruits to check on me, I cherished every second of it. When she called to check on me more than usual, I let her know that I was barely making it. She gently reminded me that nothing is as difficult or impossible as it seems.
At times, when everything felt to be too much, I sought glimmers where I could. I spent time with friends over short meals or getaways that left me more buoyant. My husband and I took Coco to a beach, and my fur baby had the time of his life. I finally watched “Oppenheimer” while peeling a boatload of peas, which took me at least two hours to peel. Good thing the movie is three hours long and worth watching. I stayed past my bedtime and saw a couple of the Oscar nominated movies at the theater. These movies have a delayed and extremely short release in my town, so I knew it was now or never. I found motivation in podcasts to complete my walks when there was none. I remained steady with my spiritual practices, which never fail to work their magic when the going gets tough.
I laughed and found humor in the ridiculousness of being ghosted by the cook to taking cold showers to mishaps around the house. I chuckled at Coco’s shenanigans; I laughed at my own clumsiness; and I joked about mercury being retrograde. Without humor, February would have been much harder than it already was.
Lastly, I told myself repeatedly that I was doing my best and that’s what mattered. I was putting in all the effort that I could and giving it my all, but I would not allow perfectionist Chaitni to take over at the cost of her mental or physical health. There was a difference between feeling depleted and feeling tired, and I wasn’t going to default to the former by trying to please everyone around me, exceed their expectations, and do it all to feel enough.
I’m still dealing with the remnants of the issues that cropped up last month, and I do feel stressed about getting everything together before my time off, but I’m not falling apart over it. I’m doing and taking the smallest of steps; I’m listening to my mind and body; and I’m leaning on others if needed.
Everyone has their own version of my February, so if you’re in dire straits, then please know that all you have to do is put one foot in front of the other. Only focus on the basics, slow down, feel, and find your moments of joy. It may not feel like it, but you are moving forward except it’s at a pace that aligns with your state of mind. If nothing else, remember that reaching out for help or a vent session is never out of the question 😊
As always, I am here to support you all the way, my brave soul. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
**NEW** My free 7-day mini course on Eating Mindfully for Weight Balance and Stress Management available here: https://fierce-originator-1156.kit.com/1577ad5668
All the best,
Chaitni