Does it ever seem like you’ve made tremendous progress in your healing journey only for it to feel like you’ve taken several steps back when an unexpected trigger occurs? First of all, that’s fairly normal, because there is no expiration to healing. It is a life-long process with a never-ending commitment. Second of all, as complex creatures living in an incredibly complex world, even when it feels like we have it together, life’s uncertainties can rehash old wounds. These scars can lend themselves to the same old unhelpful responses: ones that feel safe and familiar even though they are physiologically and emotionally harmful. In this week’s blog, I share a deeply personal core belief, which, as an adult, has always tainted my perspective with fear and uncertainty. I’m choosing to discuss this vulnerability for two reasons. The first one is to remind that you that healing doesn’t need to be a lonely journey. The second is to encourage you to treat yourself with the kindness you deserve, especially when it feels like progress is not where it should be.
Growing up, it felt like I was in survival mode every single day. I was the adult and the child all at once, which formed one of my strongest core beliefs. In case you are unaware, core beliefs are deeply ingrained ideas of how we view ourselves based on our experiences before the age of seven. My core belief is that I will always be alone. Whether I am in a relationship, with family, with friends, I will always end up alone. I will have to fight my battles on my own; I will be easy to disregard; I will be easy to overlook; I will be easy to take for granted; and I will never be understood.
This belief subconsciously runs so deep that I still struggle with a sense of belonging and permanence. In fact, I often joke with my partner that my goal of saving money is so I can find myself a nice nursing home after he’s gone, since I won’t have any children or close extended family to keep me company. My loneliness is a story of self-protection, and I’ve viewed the end of many of my relationships – familial and others – as validation of that story. In reality, the “death” of those relationships has been the best thing to happen to me, because it’s allowed me to get closer to being me.
Over the years, I’ve extensively worked on this core belief and healed to a degree that I never thought possible. I’ve been able to mend my relationship with my parents, regulate my emotions, set better boundaries, fall in love with myself, and create lasting friendships. All of this has been possible through therapy and holistic health practices focused on nutrition, sleep, meaningful relationships, and movement.
Unfortunately, a few days ago, I experienced a severe trigger that brought the wounded inner child in me to the forefront. I endured the same emotions associated with my core belief where I felt disconnected from myself and others, hopeless, stuck, and self-critical. There was a vacuous look about me, and as a way to escape, I wanted to sleep away my pain. These are all patterns that were a part of my identity for years and years until I did the work and started reconnecting with my true self. Nevertheless, like I mentioned in the introduction, sometimes you do all the work and still there is more left to do.
The good news is that the work I’ve put in was not lost. I was able to bounce back faster than before. I was able to express myself eventually. Most importantly, for me, I was able to understand what the heck was going on with me. It was sad but an eye-opening revelation that I am still holding on to my core belief.
The first evening, I sat alone, by choice, feeling sorry for myself, and I turned to food for comfort. I binged on Indian fried snacks and processed food. The difference between this behavior today and before is that in the past I would have called myself every unpleasant name under the sun for succumbing to emotional eating. This time, I did it without guilt or shame. I was aware of what I was doing, and I told myself, shrouded in loneliness, that this was the only comfort I could find in the moment. The next day, I didn’t feel the need to numb my pain with food, but I still wanted to escape the agony, so I shut down, wept, and slept.
After a couple of days, I slowly reintroduced aspects of my life that add stability and authenticity. The first step was to get out of my head, and the only way I knew how was to dump all my thoughts on paper. It took me less than five minutes, but it was that simple action that finally pushed me to take another step and then another towards feeling better. I established a few much-needed boundaries. I returned to exercising and eating balanced meals ensuring protein was included. I finally stepped out of the house beyond walking Coco to get fresh air and Vitamin D. I messaged a few friends. I sent them memes or random messages, and I can’t tell you how good it felt to laugh. I continued meditating and praying. Through these actions, I slowly began to love and forgive myself for what happened. The old me would have judged myself too harshly and unfairly.
I’m still not fully myself, and I will keep chipping away at this core belief or else be ready to be triggered again, which is unfair to me and those around me. I will need to do deeper inner work and make necessary changes to my environment and routine. I look back on this episode as a wake-up call to never take my healing and mental health for granted if I want to be emotionally more resilient and mature.
If you’ve read this far, then you are probably on your own path to heal. Or, at the very least, you know someone who is. So, here are a few things I request you to hold in your heart. Do not give up on yourself, because you deserve what it takes to get there. Stay in the game even if it has a new finish line, because you absolutely will uncover the many ways you’ve stepped away from being your true self. Embrace the power of the basics of sleep, nutrition, movement, and connection. Never stop healing; you are not your pain, trauma or core beliefs that hold you back. You are more than what the world has made of you.
In conclusion, I recently read a book that changed my life. It’s been a long time, since I read a self-help book which spoke to me profoundly. If you wish to check it out, it’s called “How to Do the Work” by Dr. Nicole LePera. Reading her book has made me more aware of what is holding me back to strengthen my bond with my authentic self.
As always, I am here to support you all the way, my brave soul. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
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All the best,
Chaitni