Have you ever griped about your family? No matter who you are or where you are, you probably have, and you’re not alone. Because families are bizarre, but their strangeness becomes more acceptable or unbearable with time after which appears a fork in the road. At that point, we either break away and distance ourselves from the drama of family or survive on it. In this week’s blog, I share a family story that has remained with me through the years, because it’s a classic reminder of how families are imperfect and simply crazy. As you read the blog, I hope to comfort you in knowing that you are not alone in ever feeling that your family is nuts or needs help. Although some families seem stranger than others, there is often unaddressed trauma, and subsequent behaviors, that make the family dynamics feel like a meme.
Meet U.B.D., my maternal uncle and with whom I have thought provoking conversations even if they occur once in a blue moon. U.B.D. is the oldest sibling on my mother’s side. I find his story interesting, because he spent his early to middle childhood with his grandparents (my great-grandparents) instead of his parents (my grandparents). My grandmother married very young and quickly got pregnant. Not long after U.B.D.’s birth, my grandmother fell pregnant again and again and again. The funds were tight, and the children young and many, so my great-grandmother offered to take care of the first-born until my grandparents were more situated and settled financially. As you can tell, family planning was clearly not a priority back then.
Unlike the siblings, U.B.D. grew up as a pseudo only child in the lap of luxury. For instance, he was enrolled in an English medium school and commuted to school in a chauffeur driven car. Both, the type of school and type of commute, were unheard of in the 1950s of post independent India. I believe he even vacationed overseas with my great-grandparents, which was a rarity back then.
Being a boy and a grandson, my great-grandparents’ lives revolved around U.B.D. He was the apple of their eye. My grandmother was an only child, so raising my uncle (read: male) felt like such a gift to them. As the years passed, my grandfather became financially comfortable, but my uncle continued to live with the great-grandparents. I believe it came from a place of not wanting to disrupt his childhood.
Then, one day, my great-grandmother fell severely ill. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer and passed away not long after. My great-grandfather remarried, and my uncle was sent back to live with his own family. I’ve been told that when he was dropped off, he begged to not be left with his parents and siblings. I can’t imagine how alienated he must’ve felt within his own immediate family. Eventually, U.B.D. bonded with his biological family, but I am certain that there was a part of him that never fully recovered from this childhood episode.
Today, U.B.D. is a highly successful, tenured, and respected professional in his field. I was surprised to discover that he has a Wikipedia page to his name highlighting his many accomplishments, higher education, and work. U.B.D. attended one of the foremost engineering colleges in India and went on to complete his Masters and Doctorate in electrical engineering in the States. His desire to serve his country and their people is admirable, because he left the plentiful opportunities abroad and returned to India after a few years in the field.
Even though U.B.D.’s career has scaled the heights of success that I cannot even imagine, we’ve never had a deep discussion about it. I’ve always looked up to his genius, but I’ve respected his agency more. To me, he is someone who has danced to the beat of his own drums when it’s come to his personal and professional life. Of course, his choices have come with their own set of consequences for him and the family, including his siblings, parents, wife and child. That means being the only sibling who lives in a different part of the country making it possible to see him only a couple of times a year. That means being that son who was there for his father’s last rites but not his last breath. Yet, when he visits, it feels like no time has passed. The banter, laughter, and interactions between him and the rest of the family feels natural. In fact, the physical distance has never held him back from being there for other members of the family: the nieces and nephews, including myself. He was my over-the-phone physics tutor when I was in 8th grade. He was the one who taught me how to spell during a short afternoon when he was visiting Bombay. He was the mentor to all my male cousins advising them on which engineering specializations to pursue. He was also the one to spark my love for reading when he gifted me a children’s book on teddy bears, which I still own.
I look at U.B.D. as someone who has broken barriers so casually. I have no idea what was going through his mind when it came to leaving Bombay and his home for undergrad or when he left the country for his higher education. His choices pertaining to his education, career, and personal life were not the norm back in the 70s, 80s or early 90s.
Even though I don’t share a close relationship with U.B.D., I can’t help but admire the path he forged for himself. There was dysfunction and there still is, but he never allowed it to hold him back. My grandparents were simple, uneducated folk who imparted values and ethics but not financial support or career advice. Still, he persevered and excelled.
This blog is not to sing U.B.D.’s praises, but to give your familial woes perspective. There is not a single family that has it all figured out. Every family learns as they experience life. I will always be fascinated by U.B.D.’s story. Knowing him, he probably wishes I be more intrigued by his work, but human stories have always had more of a hold on me.
In reflecting on U.B.D.’s journey, I am reminded that no matter your family background, you can become your own person. Families are complicated inheritance, so there will always be differences, judgments, and deep feelings about each other. Nevertheless, my uncle’s story has taught me that the more a clear purpose is practiced, the more room there is to find your true self.
As always, I am here to support you all the way, my brave soul. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
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All the best,
Chaitni