I recently held a workshop on developing and strengthening self-confidence. It was an intimate setting with a small crowd, and I can’t thank them enough for sharing their vulnerabilities with me and each other. As I debriefed on what I could have done differently and better, I noticed a pattern amongst the participants and myself. I recognized that one of the biggest reasons that our confidence takes a nosedive is when we compare our current selves to our old selves. We focus on the best parts of this old version and make it an unhelpful benchmark. Whether it’s weight, age, careers, physical or mental health, we spend time worrying about the person we were or will be while forgetting the person we are today. This thought process leaves us worried, uncertain, and unconfident. In this week’s blog, I share how that unfair comparison robs us of the confidence we owe our current selves.
As life progresses, so does our baggage. I have more internal scars today than I had when I was 21. I’ve learnt to cope with them better, but they’ve accumulated, and some may never fully heal. When I approach mid-life, I’ll have earned even more scars. These wounds, like the others, will leave a mark, and, if I’m wise, I’ll gain invaluable life lessons from them.
For instance, when I look back, I realize that 21-year-old me had no idea how or why to say no. On the contrary, I only knew to feel miserable and angry for allowing others to violate my boundaries without question. Today, saying no has gotten easier. If nothing else, I at least take the time to understand my boundaries and why I allowed someone to overstep them. I am willing to then figure out how I can set better boundaries in the future.
On the flip side, sometimes I want to relive my 30s, so I could reconsider my career choice to discover health coaching sooner; however, that’s a futile comparison. Coaching requires a level of empathy and active listening that have strengthened because of those very scars.
My message to you is that even if it feels like you’ve gotten older, you’ve progressed in ways that deserve to be recognized and applauded. Progress and change happen over many years, so please don’t overlook the work and experiences that gave you the lessons you didn’t even know you needed.
Another valuable reminder is that nothing is the same. No two moments, two days, or two years. It is an impossible expectation to be the same person that we were in the past. Two years ago, I was living on my own with Coco in Dallas. I was answerable to nobody but myself, and I had financial freedom. Today, I live with a partner, in-laws, and with a business that I am building one day at a time. The love and care I showed myself and Coco have extended to my family and his. I have made space in my head and heart for them, for what I’ve lost, and for what I’ve gained.
Sometimes, when I compare myself to that old self from two years ago, I completely lose my confidence. I am ashamed of not being financially independent and, at times, irked about sharing my space. Then when I think of today, this present moment, and everything that I have gained, my confidence soars. It took incredible courage and faith to make the move to India, and I did it. It’s hard, frustrating, and outright depressing on occasion, but I am willing to make the most of it, because I own my decision.
The next time you compare yourself to the past, remind yourself of all that has changed from then to now. Unless every single piece of your life has remained the same, which I presume has not, the comparison is unfair.
For our current confidence to feel like our past self’s, we need time and patience. One of the reasons for this comparison is that we want the favorable conditions and advantages of that time now, but we forget how much effort and time it took to have what we did then.
I’ll share an example that many of you may relate to. In my early 30s, I was introduced to strength training and HIIT. I fell in love with the adrenaline rush that I felt post workout even though they were an hour long and intense. I had also taken on a tough role at work and had limited time on my hands, so my meals consisted of quinoa, vegetables, and a simple homemade salad dressing. Unbeknownst to me, this combination of my diet and workouts yielded magic. I was the fittest I have ever been, and not the kind where I was thin but unhealthy on the inside. I was toned and feeling healthy all around, because I was working on myself emotionally as well. This went on for a couple of years, but nothing good or bad ever lasts.
One day, I injured myself badly and couldn’t even fathom lifting weights. I could barely sit through a movie or go on long walks with Coco without being in pain. I took a long break, did physical therapy, and slowly eased myself back into exercising.
Today, I still workout, but on a less intense scale. I am building muscle incrementally, because I have tempered down my workouts. I’ve added more stretching and recovery to keep the injuries in check. Witnessing the results of nurturing my body and heart made me confident back then, but there was a part of me that was still uncomfortable in my skin. Today, I am comfortable with who I am. I don’t try to be someone others want me to be, and I’ve stopped pushing myself beyond my breaking point. I still want the same physical results from my early 30s, but not at the cost of disrespecting the limitations of my body and other priorities. I know that the physical transformation will happen slowly, but this time around, I am cherishing, exploring, and committing to the journey and not just the results.
You can still feel as confident as you did before whatever change knocked you down a few notches. For that to happen, a mindset shift needs to occur to stop comparing and start accepting the here and now. When this is followed by the commitment to make the most of what right now has to offer, you rise even bigger, braver, and better than your past self that you have idolized. You owe it to yourself to be fair and faithful to your potential.
As always, I am here to support you all the way, my brave soul. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
My guide to creating your vision available here: https://fierce-originator-1156.ck.page/fb87324085
All the best,
Chaitni