Recently, I was thinking of the betrayals and losses that we experience in life, and how we recover from them. We lose a part of ourselves because of them, but we also gain lessons and awareness from them. In time, these experiences turn into accumulated baggage of fears, anger, hurt, and, most importantly, a loss of self. If we are lucky, then comes the realization of how far we’ve drifted from our true selves. The deception and loss occur across the board: in relationships, in our careers, with our finances, and even places. In this week’s blog, I share how we can reframe this loss and betrayal to begin returning home to ourselves.
Over the years, I’ve realized that one of the biggest lessons in life is to rebuild trust with oursevles when it is callously broken by others. I’ve been the lucky recipient of that callousness multiple times in friendships, romances, and familial relationships. Although, to be fair, I’m certain that I am also guilty of doing the same to others at some point or another.
The very first time that I witnessed a breach of trust was as a child. Ask any child growing up with dysfunction or abuse, and they will tell you the same. Those initial years of trauma made me a pro at hiding my true self from the world. I only exposed parts of me that felt safe to avoid further hurt and distrust. I kept my vulnerabilities under lock and key. What I didn’t know then is that living a lie, however well intended, was exhausting.
One fine day, my mental and physical health collapsed. I was left exposed, and everything felt impossible. I had nothing left to give at work or to my family. Life snowballed, and my relationships took a turn for the worse. At least, that’s how it felt at the time. In my eyes, I was an epic failure, especially after my divorce. Not only had I betrayed my own armor, but I also felt betrayed by the people who were supposed to never question that armor.
With those thoughts, I became deeply depressed, which eventually led to therapy. In fact, I was forced to undergo therapy, so I did. It was life’s biggest blessing. I finally started the long process of peeling back the hatred, shame and secrets buried within me. If I hadn’t experienced this turn of events laced with loss and deception, I would’ve never considered therapy or I would have considered it too late in life.
As much as what we perceive as betrayal hurts, it can lead us to much-needed resources to get closer to our real selves. These life episodes give us a window into our approach, thoughts, and perceptions, so we can challenge them, understand them, and reframe them. If we allow it, deception and loss can light the fire to be and do better for us.
In the past few years, my familial and friend circle has shifted. For several reasons, some friends and family have walked out of my life, or I’ve bowed out of theirs. I’ve stopped questioning the reasons, but, on certain occasions, I do feel low about these fractures. That’s when I remember to accept that some relationships are finite: they serve a purpose and when that purpose is met, they fade. In addition to those thoughts, I also believe that every loss is an opening to a greater gain. I was privileged to create beautiful memories with these people in my life, and I am forever grateful for their love and lessons.
When we experience loss or deception in relationships, we are allowed to hurt and process. A powerful thought and belief that supports this healing is the possibility that these people could no longer serve us with the same love and kindness. So, they have to depart to allow for even greater love and kindness to enter our orbit.
If you’ve ever been duped financially or professionally, then this next bit will be relatable. My immediate family and I have been victims of both. The instances left me feeling stupid, ashamed, and angry, but I had to ask myself what they taught me. It took a long time to learn, but they prepared me to be kinder to myself. They guided me to be wiser about my choices, and, most importantly, they trained me to set boundaries in all aspects of my life.
Saying “no” to what doesn’t serve us is not an option; it’s a way of life. Our self-worth is not tied to pleasing others, to being a star employee at the cost of obliteration, or to financial setbacks and wins. We are more than the sum of all that, and we have to start finding those extinguished parts.
With time, I have also experienced loss of a people and a place when I moved from the States to India, and when I shifted from India to the States as a teenager. The relocations have permanently impaired my concept of home and belonging. I have spent countless years trying to fit in only to feel that I’m at the periphery of it all. Today, given no choice, I’m learning to belong to myself and to be more adaptable to change. I have never done well with change, and I’ve had to pay a heavy price for it, both professionally and personally.
Moves come with their own set of nostalgia and revelations, especially ones that didn’t occur by choice. They can completely stifle and paralyze us, or they can teach us to embrace change with surrender and assistance. If given a chance, they can also give us the confidence to waffle less, decide more, and face the results of those decisions courageously.
A few years ago, I went through one of the worst betrayals of my life that left me shocked and broken. During the healing process, I discovered that I was no longer willing to negotiate with my self-worth. I deserved more. I deserved better, and I had to stop settling. I had made myself so small over the years to be accepted, to belong, and to be loved that I lost track of everything I had to offer as a partner and human. I could no longer continue that trajectory.
Sometimes, we go through the most damaging betrayal and loss that pierces through our heart and leaves us wondering if there is any point in going on. Yet, this downfall is necessary, because that’s the final step to accepting and owning ourselves. We are masterpieces, so we can’t continue filling in the cracks for damage control. There will come a time when we need to start over to live up to our full potential. If we are open to it, betrayal and loss teach us to rediscover and explore healthier ways of dealing with them. They challenge us to begin again and play out our vision.
During my recovery, I encountered the healing power of breathwork with my dear friend and master facilitator, Alisha Norris. I cried, processed, and recovered during and after her sessions. If you’re looking for a safe and affordable space to heal, then take a moment to connect with Alisha at alishanorris@gmail.com.
As always, I am here to support you all the way, my brave soul. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
My guide to creating your vision available here: https://fierce-originator-1156.ck.page/fb87324085
All the best,
Chaitni