Recently, I travelled by train to see one of my closest friends. The train ride to her place of residence was smooth sailing barring a colicky child, pungent smells, and loud sounds from folks who don’t care to use headphones. Unfortunately, on the way back, the journey was replete with drama, a war of words, and rising tensions. It was unexpectedly uneventful. While cramped on the top berth hunched over into a ball, I couldn’t resist wishing teleportation, and, eventually, understanding all that unfolded in the span of 2 hours. In this week’s blog, I share how it all went down along with priceless reminders of compassion, compromise, courage, and communication.
The whole episode began when a group of three young ladies, likely in their 20s, boarded the train at one of the stops. One of them was extremely agitated, the second one was unwell, and the third one was trying to calm the first one. Their arrival on the train was chaotic, and they carried along massive and multiple pieces of luggage. I assumed they were sisters based on how they interacted with each other. They had separate seats, which became the primary cause of the ruckus that ensued.
At first, the girls got into an argument with my father as they insisted that I move to the top berth so they could unfold the bottom one. Understandably so as one of the girls was expecting and feeling unwell. To my utter shock, in a matter of minutes, the entire conversation exploded: voices were raised, and accusations were made. My father was upset at the tone and language used as well as the girls’ disregard for the train’s rules and regulations. There is a rule that the berths can only be flattened after 9 pm due to the way the seats are occupied. On the other hand, one of the sisters was livid because she felt my father was being callous and discounting her request to accommodate her pregnant sister.
If only both parties had listened to each other and shown mutual respect, the whole debacle would have been avoided. Sadly, temperatures rose even as I relocated to the top berth and the pregnant lady had a chance to lie down. I finally calmed my father down, had him sit in another empty spot and asked him to keep to himself for the duration of the trip.
I strongly believe that during any conflict, when respect and dialogue exit, accusations and derogatory remarks enter. As I took in the squabble in stunned silence, I saw myself in instances where I’ve lost self-control. I recalled all the times when I’ve been so angry and tired of fighting with the world for what felt right.; where I yearned for respect and received none. Regardless, those reasons were never justification for disruptive behavior on my part. Witnessing the argument that day reinforced the belief that I had to try and conduct myself differently in moments when I felt attacked or defeated.
There is more to the saga on the train. After about 5 minutes of peace and silence, there was a verbal spat between another passenger and the same sister. Allegedly, the passenger told someone on a phone call that he was being unnecessarily inconvenienced by other stupid passengers. The word stupid opened the floodgates and did not go down well with the girl. She went on about how she’s not stupid and understands English, how she was fighting for the rightful access to her seat, and how disgusting it was for the other passenger to use language that made her feel unwanted. It was the last grievance that caught me by surprise and filled me with compassion for the young girl. When she mentioned feeling unwanted, I realized that her words reflected her insecurities and unpleasant experiences.
Many of us have allowed others’ words and actions to get to us. At one point or another, we’ve been deeply hurt and affected by strangers’ looks or judgments of us. At times, we’ve also felt unwanted or plain stupid. As the girl ranted, I remembered the need for boundaries, self-love, and compassion towards ourselves and others. Boundaries are hard to set, but all too necessary in every relationship, including the one we have with ourselves. When these boundaries are repeatedly violated, we begin to project and, inadvertently, hurt ourselves in ways that aren’t obvious. When we partake in self-criticism and hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations, we forget that we are deserving of love and care. Lastly, when we are mentally and physically depleted, we have no kindness reserved for anyone, least of all ourselves.
The girl never fully calmed down. She fumed, fussed, and fidgeted during the entire train ride. I could sense her anger and frustration. I wanted to give her a massive hug at one point, because the battle she was fighting felt so exhausting. She was all too easy to label as crazy, but behind every “crazy,” there is a human being with a relatable story.
I thought of this incident for several days. It reminded me of when I got into a massive argument with another customer at the Apple store. This happened years ago while I was going through a personal crisis. I was so upset that this shopper cut the line while the Apple service agent simply looked on. Looking back, it wasn’t that big of a deal, but I was working through my baggage and this man’s behavior was the last straw. I lost my shit that day and got into a major tiff with the customer as well as the Apple employee. Afterwards, I went back to my car completely shaken and disturbed at my own misbehavior. I cried long and hard in the driver’s seat of my car that day trying to wrap my head around my horrible attitude and actions.
It has taken ample courage to face and heal the wounds from those days. We have to understand the history of our traumas to love them into healing. None of that is possible without clear communication and compassion. We all have bad days that deserve forgiveness, but what matters more is the before and after: comprehending the triggers and working through them towards a healthy future.
As always, I am here to support you all the way, my brave soul. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
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Check out this week’s wellness video content on YouTube: How to Stick to Your New Year’s Resolutions
All the best,
Chaitni