A week ago, I hosted an in-person group healing circle. The energy exchange, grounding exercises, breathwork and reflections were a beautiful beginning to my week. I’ve long wanted to host such a group circle, and it finally culminated into reality. Like most endeavors these days, I spread the word for the event through social media marketing. A few posts and reels made their way to Instagram; however, there was one post in particular that got some folks talking about my possible weight gain and change in appearance. In this week’s blog, I share more about what occurred and how I responded to it, all the while doing my best to hold on to my inner magic and power. The purpose behind retelling the story is to remind you that our bodies are sacred, no matter how harshly anyone judges, we have it in us to still love every version of ourselves.
The post that received undue attention was a picture of me breathing deeply whilst sitting cross-legged on a cushion. I was wearing a pink outfit that I have worn frequently. Somehow, the picture did not turn out as intended: I looked bloated and heavier. Once the post was uploaded, a handful of people commented on the way I looked. Even to me, I looked different. Just to be clear, none of the comments were complimentary.
Admittedly, I did look like I had packed on a few pounds. A few people mentioned that the picture looked nothing like me, which, in some cases, was a polite way of telling me I had gained weight. I don’t know enough about photography to point fingers at anyone, but I know why I didn’t look like my usual self.
I’d barely gotten any sleep the night before. I had tossed and turned most of the night and then been rudely awakened at 4 am by my father’s alarm. He was fast asleep while his phone in the living room was blaring in the early morning, forcing me to get out of bed and turn it off. When I am not well-rested, I typically feel puffy and physically uncomfortable.
Another factor at play was my delayed period. I’ve never been this late, but there is major transformation occurring in my body right now. My age, my hormones, and my slight iron deficiency all impact my cycle. If you can relate, you know how such changes in menstruation can make you feel bloated, moody, and unlike yourself. I felt bloated, and I looked bloated.
Lastly, I hadn’t picked out my outfit for the post wisely. I was staying over at my parents’ place for a couple of days and hadn’t packed sensibly. Instead of wearing athleisure or clothing better suited for the theme of the event, I wore a summer dress with a style that didn’t do me any favors.
When the comments began, I felt put on the spot. Initially, I tried to defend myself and the picture. For a second, I fell back to my old, insecure ways of explaining myself and what others’ perceived as my shortcomings. Thankfully, that didn’t last long, and after a few minutes, I gave up trying to offer any justification. I instinctively felt hurt and annoyed about the comments, but then I realized that those feelings weren’t helping me be nice to myself. They were simply precursors for pity and disappointment until I shifted my approach to understanding, accepting, and forgiving. Also, I had bigger fish to fry like preparing for the healing circle in a way that it would be a smashing success.
The comments shook my confidence, but only for a short while, because I am working hard at loving my body in all its seasons. I can’t reverse my age and nor can I force my period to come on command, especially during perimenopause. I can’t change other people’s opinions of my body and nor am I willing to abandon it. My only choice is to control what I can, and that includes my eating and living habits, which are a work in progress. From going to bed earlier to avoiding late-night eating to managing my stress better.
Regardless of how I look, I am lifting heavier than I ever have, and I feel like my strongest self physically and emotionally. Professionally, I am stepping out of my comfort zone like never before. I am embracing and transforming. For instance, 22-year-old Chaitni looked and felt different, but by God, if given a choice, I would choose this version any day.
It is not completely lost on me that the folks behind the comments were projecting. All of us are guilty of such judgments – intentional or not. Sadly, comparisons related to outward appearances are heavily driven by the ideal that has been fed to us as “beautiful.” Somewhere in that comparison, there is also the need to feel or be better than the other person. None of this contributes towards healing and self-love.
For me to continue healing and loving myself, I work on self-compassion every single day. No matter how hard the day is, I am not allowed to beat myself up. Even the lessons I need to learn, I do so kindly. Where previously the self-talk was harsh and demeaning, today it’s about inquiring and changing what I can. Am I completely happy with the way I look right now? No, but what matters more is noticing the progress I’ve made and working on how far I need to go. I allow myself to miss the way certain clothes used to fit, but I don’t dwell on it or make it my new benchmark. Perhaps, this season is less about being a certain size and more about stability and consistency in habits and mindset.
Why am I telling you all this? Because there are many of you that endure this outward scrutiny of your body and appearance regularly. Maybe you’ve been a recipient of it since childhood, and that’s shaped your relationship with yourself and your body. Nevertheless, I’m here to remind you that it is possible to go from being insecure about your body to learning to thank it. It is possible to go from not considering yourself photogenic to appreciating the moment captured. It is possible to go from being jealous of someone’s looks and weight to working on your priorities. It’s all possible when the question is what will you do to empower yourself.
As always, I am here to support you all the way. I hope you keep in touch with your stories, thoughts, and feedback. If you wish to learn more, please stop by www.imperfectbodies.com. Lastly, if you enjoyed this information, then please share it with others.
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All the best,
Chaitni