Is there a past version of yourself that you miss? Not all of you, but fragments of you. Certain moments, habits, feelings, or memories that still make you pause nostalgically for a second before reality settles back in. I feel that way sometimes. There are versions of myself that were unhealthy, emotionally disconnected, avoidant, or surviving in ways I no longer want to return to. Still, every once in a while, I miss pieces of those versions of me. Not enough to go back, but enough to acknowledge that healing is not always as simple as hating who you used to be. In this week’s blog, I want to talk about that contradiction: how healing can involve grieving parts of yourself that were never actually good for you.
There are times when I miss drinking alcohol. I don’t miss the hangovers, anxiety, or disconnection that often followed, but the temporary freedom it created. I miss certain memories attached to it. For instance, sharing cocktails with coworkers during annual work meetings where all of us remote employees finally gathered in person. Or, laughing too loudly over margaritas with friends. And, feeling loose enough to say things I normally kept buried. Also, when traveling through places like Italy and Amsterdam and feeling momentarily left out of experiences centered around wine or beer culture.
Alcohol made me feel lighter in moments when life felt unbearably heavy. It softened the edges of my hypervigilance and seriousness. People often told me I seemed funnier, more relaxed, and more open after a few drinks. What they were really seeing was someone finally letting her guard down. At the time, I did not know how to access that version of myself without liquid courage. That is the part I miss sometimes, not the alcohol itself, but the ease.
Still, I would not go back. It’s not because I think drinking makes someone bad, but because I know myself better now. I know how easily I used alcohol to disconnect from stress, loneliness, and emotional discomfort instead of taking the time to process those tough feelings. What once felt freeing eventually started feeling like avoidance.
The same complexity exists with smoking hookah. Years ago, I owned one and even hosted hookah nights at my apartment. Some evenings, I would sit outside on my patio swing under the stars with music playing softly while Coco wandered nearby. In those moments, I felt calm, untethered, and almost suspended outside of reality for a while.
I do not miss the headaches that followed or what it was physically doing to my body, but I miss the ritual of it: the pause and the illusion of peace.
Healing forces you to confront an uncomfortable truth: unhealthy coping mechanisms often worked in some way, otherwise we would not have held onto them for so long. That realization can be difficult to admit because people often talk about healing as though we should feel nothing but relief after letting go of harmful habits or patterns. In reality, there can also be grief.
I even feel this way about certain periods of my life that looked healthier from the outside.
About ten years ago, after my divorce, I discovered strength training. My body transformed quickly. I looked leaner, stronger, and more toned than ever before. From the outside, it probably seemed like I was thriving. On the inside, I was barely holding myself together.
Most nights, dinner was a quinoa salad because that was all the energy I had left after emotionally draining workdays and intense workouts. Exercise became both an outlet and an escape. It gave me structure during a time when internally I felt completely lost. I sometimes look back at photos from that period and think, wow, I looked great. Then I remember how lonely and emotionally wrecked I was.
Healing changed the way I define wellness. Looking good no longer impresses me if my inner world is in ruins. Neither does being emotionally shut down and calling it independence. Neither does numbing myself and calling it fun.
I even miss parts of the people-pleasing version of myself sometimes. I don’t miss abandoning myself to keep others comfortable, but I do miss the belonging that occasionally came with it. Saying yes kept me connected to certain people in my family. It helped me avoid conflict. It gave me moments that I still cherish today. Choosing myself eventually cost me some of those relationships.
That was the right decision for me, but healing does not erase the fact that there were still meaningful memories woven into those dynamics. Some moments mattered deeply to me even if the relationships themselves were unhealthy.
I think that is the part of healing people do not talk about enough. Sometimes the past feels warm not because it was healthy, but because it was familiar.
Healing can make life feel quieter at first. Less chaotic. Less impulsive. Less numbed out. There are moments when healthier choices feel almost boring compared to the intensity of old patterns. The nervous system can mistake peace for emptiness simply because it is an unfamiliar territory. That does not mean the old ways were better. It simply means we are human.
Even now, there are moments when it would be easier to escape instead of sitting with discomfort. It would be easier to disconnect instead of processing. It would be easier to return to old versions of myself that knew how to survive even if they did not know how to live fully. Yet, I do not want those versions of myself back.
I can miss her while also understanding why she existed. I can appreciate what she was trying to do for me while recognizing that I no longer need to survive that way.
Maybe healing is not about erasing old versions of ourselves entirely. Maybe it is about learning how to hold them with compassion without handing them the reigns again.
This is my small corner where I share what I’m still learning how to hold. Somehow, you might find parts of yourself in it, especially the messy and quiet ones you don’t always show. If you see yourself here, you’re not alone, because we are all working on coming home to ourselves.
My 5-minute guide for when you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or lost. Reset your energy and reconnect with yourself. Bonus audio guide included. Available here: Energy Guide
All the best,
Chaitni